Lately I don’t feel like I’m apart of anyone’s lives who are close to me. I feel like I’m drifting farther away every single day & what seemed to start as a paranoia is becoming a painful reality. I’m not saying it’s everyone’s fault & I’m not to be blamed, I’m not that good of a person to begin with. I find more solace in fiction than anything else around me, but I’ve always been that way.
I keep being told by those who’ve experienced more of life that I’m just in a stage of my “life” where you begin to define who you’ll be for the remainder of your existence. I just feel like I’m defined to exist far away from anyone else. I want to be the outgoing guy that I used to be known for but as time goes on I become far more secluded then I’d like to admit.
But that’s the story of me so far it seems. I guess if you push hard enough, the world will eventually just push you back. It seems to come down to that one question I always ask myself these days. Should I just embrace that I’m different now & I don’t belong here anymore? I doubt it would even change much anyways. Friendship has always been a thing that takes two to keep it going.
But lately it just doesn’t feel worth it anymore. I’m lost & I feel far away, I hate this feeling. There’s only a few people that I feel are actually people I consider friends beyond the safety net of convincing myself otherwise. I know I have a mind that is full of imagination, which probably explains why when I sleep it feels like days pass by as I live lives of people that I write about. I just don’t fit into whatever it was I had to begin with.
The only things that seem to bring me sanity these days are the same things that have sustained my absolute infinite appetite for imagination. Videogames, comic books, movies & a select few tv shows are some of the best things I look forward to. I’m socially awkward, but I’m emotionally distant as well. I’m incredibly charismatic one moment but I can suddenly switch to completely distant in what seems like an instant.
I just need to embrace the fact that what I want in life is something that only I can make happen & that’s it. But when you can’t tell up from down, right to sideways—-where the hell do you start? Until I figure that question out, I’ll just continue to take solace in the one huge burning spark that I have & probably always will have. I don’t want to give up on the magic, the wonder & the amazing things that exist in this world.
I don’t want to accept that “this is all this will be” & just work a job I hate. Or go to school for something just to say something blandly reassuring whenever someone decides to stack their accomplishments against mine. I’m proud of the fact that I have a tool that never shuts off, never falters & never backs down. It probably explains why I’ve become increasingly distant over the years as well.
Imagination is my one true love in this world & the ability to express all the wonder that comes with that is the most beautiful thing I can aspire to become. But it all starts with a leap into the unknown. I just have to convince myself to stop wondering where I’ll land & take solace in the fact that as long as I’m trying it could end up becoming something greater than the sum of my parts.
Regardless of the outcome, I can’t run from what I am. I just have to be willing & that’s it. I have to prove to myself more than anyone else that I’m worth all the trouble.
That’s the largest hurdle that stands in front of me & it’s been plaguing me my entire life. I know I can do this.
I just know it.