Late this night my dog died from medical complications.
I’m heart broken and completely devastated for losing him, he was one of my best friends and it hurts to know I’ll never take him for a walk again or be able to cuddle him when I feel sick.
Instead I held his almost lifeless body in my arms in that final hour of his life. I’ve never felt so betrayed and jaded since the passing of my grandmother when I was younger. He was apart of my life about as much as any other influence around me.
We first got Bato on a farm back in Ontario and his name was originally supposed to be Simba but after my mother held him in her hand, he was that small, she simply looked at him and said, “His name is Bato”. And it stuck.
Bato means “little brother” in Serbian and that’s what he was to me, my little furry brother. He used to eat my food when I was busy or would pull down my pants due to me being around the same size as him when I was younger. We would fight like crazy. But we always made up for it in the end by exchanging hugs and kisses, or licks in his case.
He was heart warming and beautiful and was the only person I knew that would never judge me or say hurtful things to me. I refer to him as a person because he was more than a dog, he had a personality about as complex as anyone’s. He was truly different then the rest.
I never thought I’d lose him, not now anyway. I thought he’d at least make it to 17 years or more before he passed but little did I or my family know that he was sick with a brain tumor among other things for a very long time. It’s sickening to know he has lived with this for who knows how long but showed little to no symptoms.
Before I left for work that day I remember him being joyful and playful and wanting to come with me to work. I remember saying bye to him and that I’d see him when I got home. I got home later on only to find him extremely sick and weak, eventually he became so deathly ill that my sister and mother took him to the vet for a check up.
There I made the hard decision my family couldn’t. I chose to put an end to his life. I still feel guilty being given the choice over the life of another and I don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact that it was mostly my decision to choose his fate. But I embraced it and felt his pulse wisp away to nothingness as the needle left his body.
Before he died he laid there motionless until he let out a single and final burst of energy and life before finally going to rest. I kissed him on the head and told him I loved him with all my heart and then left the room. Even the vet was heart broken.
I’m now sitting here with sore red eyes, cold hands and enough guilt to make me hate myself right now. I hate life at this exact moment and believe that my family did not deserve this, especially my father who for the first time in my life cried with me in audience.
The only thing I have left of Bato now is a scar on my right index finger from when he attacked me one day with all the joyful might in his jaw. I’m scarred by his life indefinitely now and once his paw print is mailed in I plan to replicate it and get it on my body, he meant the world to me.
I love you Bato so much and I wish you were still here. Volim tee puno ( I love you a lot ) Good bye I will never forget you little brother, never.
It’s been a really long time since I’ve said anything on here. I guess I’ve just been way too busy with life in general to actually conjure up enough emotion and rational thought to spill on this digital canvas.
Life is going, it’s not great nor is it bad, it’s simply moving right now into a sea of uncertainty and hopeful dreams. I’m exhausted after I come home from work, I ended a relationship because I wasn’t ready and I finally got around to buying that Playstation 3 I always wanted.
I’ve also decided I’m serious about film school and I can’t seriously wait for Christmas due to how awesome those two weeks will be, here’s hoping.
The last time I was on here I was probably complaining about something in life and I’ll try to not do this here as much as I usually do. I’d just like to say that I have the next two days off so if someone wants to see me they can ask and I’ll try to see if I can and starting this Friday my life is work all the way until next Wednesday. Gotta’ love Christmas time.
The souls of my feet hurt, my mind is tired and my feelings towards romance right now are anything but certain as of late. I’m so tired and winded by somethings in life that it’s hard to keep track of it all.
I got a lot done today and finally with my day off tomorrow I think I’ll spend a few hours and play some Ratchet & Clank on my Ps3. Maybe some Uncharted 2 Multiplayer? Hell I could go for some Metal Gear Solid 4 too. It’s all sitting there.
I have to simmer down on videogames, but they’re my only escape from life whenever I’m not working or with friends so if I have nothing else to occupy my time, whenever I actually have time, these escapes help me greatly nowadays.
But like I said, you want to see me then ask. Anyway I’m going to sleep. Good night to whoever is reading this right now, can you tell I’m tired? I really am.